This Crazy Week

I'm seriously freaking out here. Yes, I've tried meditating again, and repeating mantras, but damn it, I am freaking out!!!! This toy drive is becoming to be such a hassle...I hate to say. But I know once the day starts and I see those smiling faces, everything will be ok, and I'll be happy that I did it, because who else would have? It's just a ton of planning! A TON! I still don't know who is going to be Santa and the elf, and I am not sure I have enough toys to help out 450+ kids.

To top it off, I've signed on to do a soap making demonstration for the Girl Scouts. I still can't find all my stuff. I can't find the labels and the molds and I think a few boxes are still in the storage room. I really hate revisiting the whole bath products making thing. 3 1/2 years ago, I had to say goodbye to it because we moved to Honduras, just when it was starting to do well. Yes, I've missed, but at the same time, I was relieved! It's hard work having a business. Absolutely hard work. And even when I wasn't physically making the products, I would sleep, eat and drink the business. It never left my mind. So as I said, I was a little relieved I wasn't doing the business anymore. Now because I have to do this demonstation, I've to open up these boxes...boxes I haven't seen in almost 4 years. Today, I opened up more boxes and looked through my stuff. Omg, I started missing having a business! Maybe I'll start again when I return to D.C. Who knows?

And this whole week, my husband will be gone AND I have to work. That totally sucks. But after Saturday night, I'm going to be so happy this week will be over with. I'll need to celebrate or something! Then a week after that, we're going to Orlando! Woohoo!

Need To Get Going On My 4th Toy Drive...

Lately I've been in this horrible funk during my last months here in Honduras. I feel overwhelmed and sad at the thought of leaving. Yes, Honduras has its problems, and not the problems that other Americans worry about...but real problems...that everyday Honduran people have to deal with - poverty, lack of education, corruption, hopelessness. These are real issues that I worry about, and for some reason, I think that I can help with.

Well, I'm going on my last 9 months here and I just don't think I have the drive to do another project. Then the guilt sets in. In my first two years here, before I started working, I was so driven to help in everything. And in the process, I started this little toy drive in Ojojona, among other things. This year will be my 4th and last toy drive and I'm expecting to give toys to close than 500 children! But you know...honestly...I'm lacking that motivation! I really don't know why. I know I have to do this because no one will, and I know that hundreds of children are counting on me. I suppose it's the planning part I don't really want to do. I'm just tired and exhausted, for whatever reason.

So this morning, I was watching the news in the morning, something I rarely get to do with kids. And there comes in this story about this young man who used to be a nightclub promoter but decided to do something more worthwhile in his life. In 1996, he established an NGO called Charity: Water. Since then he's given clean water to hundreds of villages all over the country. He is someone whom I strived to be 4 years ago apon arriving here in Honduras. Hopefully a story like this will give me the drive I need to get my butt back in gear.

Our Trip To La Ceiba

Pictures from Cuero y SaladoA Baby Croc

View from the Boat

Firefly

Politics - the unread letter and the adoption

I've always been a nerdy nerd, which is why I have found politics to be incredibly exciting. Now with the elections this year, I've gone from nerdy nerd to super duper nerdy nerd. Anyone who knows who I am knows who I am going to vote for this year. It's really a no-brainer. Nothing wrong with McCain, I actually think he's more moderate than a lot of the hardcore Republicans out there, so that's somewhat cool. But I feel that Obama is definitely the one for me.

I remember his unbelievable speech 4 years ago, during the Democratic conventions. At the time, he was a State Senator running for U.S. Senator, but his speech....Man, I couldn't believe it. I felt like I had just witnessed something amazing - a true turning point in history. Who was this man, I thought? The next day, I wanted to sit down and write the man a letter asking him to run for president one day. I also wanted to warn him to not become too immersed in the political scene that he forgets about the reason he was running in the first place - us, the people. But for whatever reason, I just got lazy and didn't write it. Now 4 years later, here he is running for president and I couldn't be happier. It's just such an exciting time in politics right now.

Now for McCain. I have oodles of respect for the guy. I've had it since he ran against Bush before the first election. Recently, I decided to google his family and lo and behold I see a little girl who didn't look like the rest of the family. I did further research and I found out that she was adopted from Bangladesh at a Mother Teresa orphanage. I hadn't heard about this until now. In my eyes, that puts him in a different light. Adoption to me is quite possibly the most selfless act a person can ever do. Period. To look at a child's eyes, perhaps at the time a complete stranger, and call him/her your baby...nurture, care and love, as if this child were your own is completely amazing and inspiring. And the future that the child will have...it's just wonderful. I have 101% respect for people who adopt.

Each day, I am saddened by the children on the street. They ask me for food or money. It's hard for me to look them in the eyes sometimes. Looking at them in the eyes personifies them and makes them into real people, hence making it harder to drive away from them. It makes me angry that this type of life still exists in a country where the richest of the rich are living in 10,000 square feet homes and driving Lexus SUVs. If only someone can take care of these children...perhaps adopt them...then that would make a world of difference. I see the children, then I see what they CAN be, and it makes it harder to accept such a thing.

So kudos to McCain for doing the adoption route. Still, I'm for Obama.

Back to Blogging

Ok, here I go again, blog writing. I stopped writing for months because, well, it's a long story. Let's just say something horribly unspeakable happened a few months ago...something that I thought would never end well. But you know what? Two months later, things have actually gotten better. I can't believe it.

My mom miraculously made a recovery and is back to her usual self, if not better. I cannot believe it. Part of me doesn't want to write about it too much because I don't want to "jinx" her recovery, but it's been unbelievable. This isn't a fluke. I think her recovery is real. That's not to say that I'm not scared to bits of a relapse. But I'm anxious to put this nightmare behind me.

I plan to visit California again. When I visited in April and May, her illness was just starting. Then when I visited in July and August, it was at the absolute height of her illness, including staying at two hospitals for almost a month. I wouldn't call those good visits at all. I'd like to visit again now that she is better. I'd like that a lot. She's asked me to visit because when the kids and I were there the last couple of times, she wasn't herself. Now she misses the children and wants to see and play with them...and just be a grandma. Period. She talks to Miadora on the phone like normal. Miadora is not scared of her voice anymore. In fact, she says that "grandma's back!" I'm hoping that she's back for good!

Swimming Classes at the YMCA

To keep Miadora from going ape crazy, I signed her for swimming classes and she absolutely loves it! It started on Monday and she's so excited to go everyday. I don't know if it's because she made new friends at the class. Like would she have taken the class seriously if she didn't have her news friends there? It's interesting because Miadora has never really made friends here in the United States because we moved to Honduras when she was 18-months. It's a silly question but is making friends the same here as in Honduras? Normally there, if two kids hit it off, then we parents arrange playdates.

I was shopping for a swimsuit last week at the 6yrs girls and up section, even though she is only 4 (I couldn't find her section!) and my goodness, they were so inappropriate! Call me old-fashioned - and I'm actually not - but all I saw were all these two piece suits and all the one-pieces had big gaping holes in the back and the sides. Finally I saw the right section for her age.

What Does WuWu Mean?

Tuesday night, my dad is watching the two children in the bath. Miadora got out of the bath to use the toilet while Timmy remained in the tub. My dad runs out of the bathroom and asks me what "wuwu" while he was doing the sign language for "change diaper" meant. Apparently, that was what Timmy was doing...saying "wuwu" and doing the sign language for "change diaper." I run into the bathroom and there are two pieces of turd floating in the bathtub. Sweet. I'll spare the details on how I cleaned that up.

I think it's cool how he's doing sign language though. He should get potty trained pretty soon before he gets too bored with it.

My Fun Trip To Stanford

My uncle came down from Arizona the night before to be there for the Stanford appointment. My mom, of course, didn't want to go. She was nervous and shaking before my uncle arrived and I'm telling her to calm down and relax.

So the day of, she was of course nervous, as were we. We had a lot riding on the Stanford thing. It was just a consultation with a neurologist, but we wanted her to stay there until they find out what the hell is wrong with her. But we knew that wasn't going to happen.

We take two vehicles, my dad, the kids and I are in his truck (with the broken AC mind you), and my stepdad, uncle and mom are in the other car. We follow each other almost 2 hours to Stanford until of course we lose each other. But it's ok because my dad has a general idea where it is. Miadora, sitting in the back, wakes up - and throws up all over herself...4 or 5 times. Crap. She's totally soaked. I wasn't familiar with the Palo Alto area but I tell my dad to keep driving until we find a clothing store. Lo and behold, we see Stanford Shopping Center! We drive there and keep driving until I find a store...which took a while. Then I see it - GAP KIDS! Yay! Now, don't get me wrong, I have never shopped at a GAP...you know, for the whole children slave labor/sweat shop thing, but I was desperate. I actually thought the clothes were really cute! I guess I'm allowed to let my social consciousness go to rest every now and then, especially when your daughter is waiting in a truck soaked in her own puke. I pick out two outfits, with shoes, because, yes, she did throw up on her shoes too. Thank goodness it was a watery puke, not a food puke. I go to the counter and I'm rushing big time. "Would you like to apply for a GAP credit card?" she asks. No, not now...

I get to the car and I clean her up and put on her new clothes. Very cute. Although they were made in Philippines, where I was born. Still, they were cute.

(pictured) Miadora's new GAP outfit, outside Stanford Medical Center.

Finally we go to the Stanford Medical Center and we catch up with my mom.

Getting Nervous...

Tomorrow is the big Stanford Hospital appointment for my mom. I'm so nervous. What if I hear those damn words again..."sorry, we can't help you?" I keep praying to find that special doctor or medical professional who will think outside the box and help my mom. Obviously what she has is something rare. I hope that we will find that person in Stanford. This is probably our last hope.

I'll tell you what pisses me off about healthcare here in the United States. Why does it take so damn long to get the test results back? Last week, my husband, still in Honduras, was not feeling well. He got his blood drawn Monday morning, and by the late afternoon, he had gotten the results back! When my mom takes a blood test, it's not back for at least a week. In the meantine, we're waiting anxiously and she's suffering.

Lee's Sandwiches

We went to Lee's Sandwiches in San Jose today. I ordered the Fish Ball Baguette Sandwich and it was really, really good. BUT it was so spicy, I had to stop a few times and take a drink from my Thai Iced Tea Pearl Drink. I had the fish ball sandwich before but I don't remember it being that spicy. I have a high tolerance for spicy food so I know this was pretty spicy.

The fish balls were sliced thinly with a spicy relish of carrots and I think radishes. Cilantro topped the baguette sandwich off. It was good but I remember it being better. This was an interesting restaurant. They had Asian and European sandwiches along with other Asian foods like fresh eggrolls and other dishes I wasn't too familiar with.

One thing I didn't like was the smell of the bathroom cleaning equipment next to us. And mops, I hate mops.

PF Chang's Is Awesome

To get my mind off of the situation with my mom, I went to PF Chang's with my dad, kids and sister. I have to say, it was DELISH! The Ma Po Tofu was absolutely amazing! We also ordered shrimp with candied walnuts and some other noodle dish.

I'm such a foodie and sometimes enjoying great food helps me cope with the situation at home.

Give Me Window Seats or Give Me Death!

I took a different route to California this time around because of the airport situation in Honduras. I took a 5 hour bus trip to San Salvador, then waited for 4 hours, then took a 6 hour flight to San Francisco. Yes, it was as rough as it sounds. I had two children with me, one who had a fever that wouldn't go down and who was also teething.

I didn't think the bus trip would be a big deal, but it actually was. True to Honduran tradition, it actually didn't leave until about an hour after the original departure time. The bus stopped by Wendy's for a to-go breakfast. Cool, I thought. On the TV monitor was a Martin Lawrence movie. Not so cool I thought. The first two hours were super rough because of the winding roads. I've taken those winding roads before but this was rougher because we were on the second level of the bus and not being able to see the whole road made me car sick. Luckily the baby was asleep for most of the first two hours. Then he woke up...and cried almost the whole way. We didn't know what to do. He was teething and had very little sleep the night before - nothing was soothing him.

We arrive at the border between Honduras and El Salvador and I was actually kind of excited. I had heard that El Salvador was very similiar to Honduras, only the roads are better. We drive slowly past a bridge and I see this beautiful mountain overlooking this dirty river. Still - I focused on the mountain. Nice, I thought, we're in El Salvador, how exciti...just then...a man with a garbage can walks alongside the bus and throws the contents of the can over the freaking bridge and into the river! WTFH????

We go through immigration and I hear a man outside repeatedly yelling in Spanish if anyone would like to exchange lempiras for dollars, the currency in El Salvador. I didn't feel like I was in danger or anything, it just reminded me of a Harrison Ford movie.

Two hours later, we arrive in San Salvador, the capital city. Our friend, his daughter and their driver are there waiting for us. They take us to their house. Their daughter is my daughter's best friend from when they used to live in Honduras, so it was a great reunion for the children. They have a baby too so it was perfect combination. We stayed at their house for about 4 hours. We ate lunch and the kids played, just like old times in Honduras. About an hour and a half before my flight, the driver takes us to the airport. My daughter starts dozing off and so does my son for a little bit. Great, I thought. I was counting on them sleeping during this night flight.

So anyway, we get to the airport ticket counter and for some unknown reason to fuck up everything, they have changed my tickets from a window seat, sitting together with the children to middle seats several rows apart! Great idea, idiots. So not only will I travel alone with the children, but I'm going to have to fight with these crapheads to get us to sit together. I show the dude my printed confirmation with our assigned seats that were supposed to be CONFIRMADO. He says I'll have to change it once I get in the gate. Shit. So I started to walk to the gate and I look at my teething, crying son and I'm like...well, shit. I start to have a minor panic attack at the thought that my husband will not fly with us and I will get NO help. So I say goodbye to him and I'm like, I don't feel good. But I had to suck it up I guess and I promptly said goodbye to my husband. I go through the gate and my daughter drops her cup. As she's getting off the stroller, the whole thing topples over. I'm like, nice. So I go through the security totally tired and not looking forward to the flight. I go through the other ticket counter and I'm like, dude, I have confirmed seats together, what happened? He gives me some babble and walks me over to the other counter. The baby is in the stroller screaming his head off. Other passengers to-be were probably like, great, I have to fly with her? But at that point, I couldn't care ANY less. As I open my purse, the zipper breaks. Ugh.

I go through the other gate and they said that they can find seats for us together, but it's not a window seat. I tell them that I have confirmed seats that were supposed to be by the window. This is a 6 hour flight, I'm not going to back down. I'm going to be a bitch here. I have a crying baby with me after all. I say that I'd like to speak to the manager. If I can't get a window seat, I'm going to accept a free travel voucher or whatever, but I'm not going to let them do this to me and my children. The manager comes and he speaks with the representative. He doesn't even talk to me. He goes out walking to the waiting area and speaks to a few people. Great, he was going to make me look bad and persuade others to give up their seats because of me, when I had window seats to begin with. Finally he comes back and tells me that I got window seats together. Mission Accomplished. Kind of.

The plane ride was equally horrible. Daughter slept almost right away and didn't wake up until we were there. Teething, fevering son didn't fare as well. While he did sleep an hour into the flight, he kept waking almost every hour, crying. Loudly. It took about 15 to 20 minutes put him back to sleep. It was a nightmare. The passengers probably thought he was a difficult baby, but they had no clue that he's teething. He's such a sweet and happy baby and it sucked seeing him like that. Then, we arrive in SF. Finally.

I didn't realize that I had to get my own bags. Before, our usual route in Houston, I had to pick up my bags, I knew that. But SF was my final destination, I just didn't realize that I had to pick up my bags inside the terminal, and not outside, where my dad could help. I grab 3 huge bags and put them on the cart thingie. Baby is in the stroller and daughter is walking. I'm pushing a stroller and a cart of 3 bags, plus holding my daughter's hand. Finally someone asked if I needed help. At first I was relunctant, then I said, screw it. Hell yeah, I needed help. He walks me over to where my dad is waiting on the other side. I give him $5.

Next came the 2 hour drive home. Baby was of course crying the whole way. But we reached our destination safe and sound so I can't complain too much.

So Someone Who Works For An Ex-Prez Just Happens To Call You...

Here's the deal. A few weeks ago, we saw a former Honduran president at the gas station pumping his own gas. My husband was like, "Do you know who that is?" I'm like, "No." "He's like, that's former president so and so." I'm like, Hmm ok. So my husband walks over to him and they start talking airport situation. Then after they chat, he and my husband walk over to me sitting in the passenger seat. I'm like, uh oh.

Ok, I'm not impressed just because someone used to be the president. I was just a luncheon the other day with the current president and I didn't go up to him and start chatting it up. That's because I'm very angry with the state of Honduras and I have to blame the syphoning of funds on whoever is in charge. If the government wasn't corrupt, we'd see a lot more change wouldn't we? Case in point, if the United States or another first world nation decides to "take over" Honduras today, I guarantee you that in less than one year, you'd see a lot less poverty, which means less crime, more children seeing the light and wanting to get an education. Yes, the United States is not perfect, but there are checks and balances, there are audits, however Honduras - nada. It just makes me so sad to think of the state of this country and how there is such a seperation between rich and poor.

Anyway, he walks over to me, and as I said, I'm not highly impressed with the sort. After talking to him though, I was like, "shit! He seems like a nice guy! WTF?" I wanted so bad to hate him and be mad and blame him for all the bad things happening to the poor of Honduras, but I couldn't! I want to hate you! I think it was because he had such a warm and likeable personality. Damn you I thought! Why can't I hate you! The dude was pumping his own gas! And my husband says that he's seen him at the airport getting his own bags. Low maintanence people I like.

So we start talking about how to help the people and he tells me that he's set up this educatonal foundation...and that's when my horns started coming out. Education eh? I'm so disappointed with the education here. The teachers aren't getting paid. There are no supplies. Public schools are supposed to be free, yet they have to pay for uniforms and supplies. Ugh, don't get me started. I've heard from my sources that during an inspection there were tons of school books locked up in a warehouse...which means they have not been distributed to the the students. Their reason? There hasn't been an accurate head count of the schools so they could not distribute the books yet. Um, ok.

I'm going away from the point here. So we see him at the gas station and he tells me about this foundation. He starts naming out statistics, one thing I hate. Statistics are one thing, but do you have anything tangible to prove that they are true? Hubby explains that I've been very active with the community and helping anyway I can. Anywho, husband and him exchange phone numbers and I thought he'd never call.

Well he didn't. But the head of his education foundation called my husband's work asking for me. I called her, but not right away. She wasn't in but she would return in 15 minutes they say. Now I'm like...should I call her? Yeah maybe I'll call right now. I need to get active again. I haven't really done anything in the past year, except for my toy drive. We'll see. Here I call.

Wow, No Way

Yes, there are worse things that can happen right now in my life, and I'm very blessed and lucky that for the most part, it's not too bad. But I just came home from work with a shitload of not so good news. My mom and my sister called because I saw their numbers on the caller id. Not good news, I thought, so I called my mom. She and my sister had been arguing. Great, I thought. I've always hated when people in my family fight. It's just not right and it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel horrible for both parties - one for my sister because I know my mom's sickness is really stressing her out, and two I'm worried for my mom because I know that her weak physical and mental state is unable to handle even the mildest of tasks, let alone something this major. I hate it. Then I call my sister but she couldn't talk because she is had midterms but she tells me that dad just got laid off. I'm like wtf? Where did that come from? So I call him and it's true. Now I have a huge headache and I'm stressed the fuck out, but what I can do? And here I am coming this weekend.

Sometimes Things Just Happen Like That

So I was at the 4th of July Celebration and chatting and mingling with some people. The topic of going to California on "vacation" came up and I mentioned that it wasn't all fun and games because I was actually there to visit my sick mom. And one lady said something that totally stuck with me, and for all it's worth, put things in perspective and made me feel slightly better. She said, "ah well, sometimes things just happen like that." Normally, people give me all kinds of sympathy and pretend to know what I am going through, but this was clear and precise. Yes, sometimes things to work out like that.

Lebanese Cooking Class!

Yesterday I pulled a Rachel Ray and taught two cooking classes. I taught a Lebanese Cooking Class to some folks. On the menu was Chicken Shawarma, Rice Pilaf, Hummus, Roasted Eggplant, and three different sauces. I have to say, it was actually really fun, and I hope the students enjoyed themselves. I think the second class of 10 went a lot better than the morning class of 6. I think it's because we were all friends and chatted up a storm, so people were just kinda messing around instead of watching me make my food. I suppose that's ok. Then after that first class, I was incredibly tired. Like passed-out tired. I went to my bed and basically passed out. There were two helpers downstairs, but guess who my daughter wanted to be with???? Just guess? ME of course. So I told her, please oh please let me sleep, as I was already half way there. I gave her two choices, stay with me on the bed and sleep or stay quiet, or go downstairs and play with one of the helpers and play with me when we wake up. She choice the first option, but it ended with, "mom, are you done sleeping yet?" So finally she went downstairs but I heard her not being so nice so I went downstairs. I ended up playing with her, which is of course, what a good mom should do. But I was just so exhausted and out of it.

The second class was much better. People paid attention. I really felt like a teacher and it was great. Then after the cooking, we went downstairs and ate the food, complete with Arabic music. It was pretty cool.

My First Photograph Exhibit

My First Photograph Exhibit

Out of the freaking blue, I found myself being one of 8 "photographers" to have photos in an exhibit. Long story short, but someone heard from someone that I took a few photos, and they were pretty good. So I got a phone call the night of, asking if I'd like to include some of my photos. Seeing how this person was pretty important, and another fairly important person was part it, I figured, hell, why not. Honestly, I didn't want to because I had to get ready to teach my Lebanese Cooking Class a day later. So I hurried up and found some of my better pictures, then I had to find a way to print them. There isn't like a service here in Honduras (that I know of) where I can just upload pictures from my computer to Costco or Target's Photo Center, then pick it up in an hour. So what I did was...with my own photo paper mind you...I printed some photos at work. The quality wasn't the best, mainly because I had inkjet paper and my printer at work was a laser one. But it was ok.

So then I go to the show, and there's one of my pictures in the middle of the room. I kind of felt proud and was glad that I was part of it. My photos, along with others that were more superior, were scattered across the room. It was kind of nice.

Then here's the thing...ok... I truly believe that sometimes the same insecurities, shyness and feelings of always trying to fit in that once plagued you in middle school or high school will always follow you, even into adulthood, where I am now. Case in point, in the middle of the exhibit, the photographers gathered together and took a picture with this really important person <<< by title only. So as they started gathering, I didn't jump in the picture. WTF is wrong with me? I don't know if I was shy, and didn't want to just jump in and say, YUP, I'M COOL, I'M ONE OF THE PHOTOGRAPHERS. I hate star fuckers and I didn't want to be one. Or did I not jump because I was secretly hoping that someone would notice I wasn't in the picture and say, "Portia, get in the picture!" Anyway, whatever happened, I wasn't in this picture. So there.

Here are some of my photos:

Back At It

I'm back to researching online for whatever this illness that has my mom under its grasp. When I was in California in April and May, it was like nonstop researching. Maybe it's this, then a test would confirm it's not. Possibly it's that, then another test would confirm it's not. Or her symptoms would change. So now, I'm looking at Peripheral Neuropathy...a problem with nerves. Cold intolerance was always her main problems. In the beginning she called them chills, because she felt cold she'd say. So the doctors focused on the word "chills" and tested the common sicknesses that cause chills. But perhaps it was cold intolerance that made her have the chills, as opposed to a sickness like dengue or malaria giving her the chills, which was what the doctors originally thought. So I'm doing more and more research, and some of the tests she needs to have done is the EMG (a test I thought she should have had MONTHS ago), nerve conduction test and a nerve biopsy. Knowing my mom, she is not going to want to take those tests, and frankly I don't blame her. What's the deal with the insurance company? It's been almost a month and a half since the Stanford study was supposed to be submitted to the insurance company and still my stepdad has heard nothing yet. We wouldn't have to go to Stanford if the damn medical community where we live was competant and cared enough to actually do more than what it expected of them.

Bring the Funk

Ugh, I'm in that funky icky mood again. Well, don't get me wrong, I've been feeling like that forever, ever since my mom started to get sick, but I've been doing a pretty job hiding it and acting like all is well. But lately, I've just been super dooper tired and I really don't want to do anything but sleep, which is of course impossible with children. I've started to take vitamins again, even though I missed the last two days.

Yeah just the general funky feeling. Feels kinda sucky. I guess I didn't think my mom would still be sick by the summer time. Now I'm stalling making plans for our annual visit to California because of this. Before, I couldn't wait to travel back to see my mom and just enjoy being back home. Now, I'd be ok if I didn't go home. And that feeling hurts. I wish my mom would get better. I wish they knew what was going on. Something, anything.

Ewww, I feel so dirty inside

I love chai latte. So when I found that it was available downstairs at the coffee shop, I bought it. Pretty good, I thought. This morning, I went downstairs again and grabbed another chai latte. Lo and behold I see the lady using an artificially flavored chai latte syrup! I felt all dirty inside. I hate artificial foods and all that flavored crap. There wasn't a gram of real tea in my chai latte. Nasty!

Those Damn Cocktails

When I got home yesterday, I spoke with my mom for about an hour. She seemed ok, not well, but ok, during the conversation. What concerned me were her accounts of past events - the things she did, and the things she didn't do. I'm so worried about her and her safety, and even the safety of my sister. It's hard to explain and maybe I'd rather not, but I'm very worried.

After our conversation, I took a quick shower and went to a function with my husband. Normally, I HATE going to these functions, same people, same shit. But last night I was more talkative (even in Spanish!) and more outgoing! I know there's a psychological term for it. I guess I'm trying to compensate what is going on with my mom with my extroverted behavior.

Mom May Go To Stanford Hospital

After all these diagnostic tests, we not even close to anything resembling a diagnostic. I am completely saddened by this situation. Our only hope is to submit her to Stanford Hospital until they find out what is wrong with her. Obviously, what is going on with her is completely rare. I am hoping Stanford will find something that her doctors here have missed.

I'm still having a hard time dealing with my mom's condition...or lack of a condition I should say. To this day, I act like I'm fine, but I know I'm not. It seems like the more I get back into the swing of things here in Honduras, and the more I do things and enjoy my life, the sadder I get. I always think of my mom and I wonder why this is happening to her. Part of me feels it's not fair that she's in this horrible state, and I'm continuing to live my life. I feel a sense of guilt about it. I want her to enjoy life too, the way she did before she gets sick.

Right now, I'm sort of planning my trip back to the California in the summer, and my God I hate to admit this, but I would be fine if I didn't have to go. Before I couldn't wait until it was California vacation time! Now, I'm like thinking of things to come, and I worry. What if she's not ok before we visit? What if she's worse? I used to look forward to coming home to California, mainly because it was a chance to see my mom again, to talk with her, to laugh, to joke, to just BE with her. Now, I'm worried that it won't be like that at all. Like it will be like my last visit to California, maybe worse. That, like my last visit, I am powerless to help her.

I am just getting sick of people asking about my mom. I know it's not their fault and maybe they do care, but I just can't explain everything. So after a while, I just say, "yeah she's better," and I know it's a complete lie.

Errands, errands, errands...

Miadora is at school. Timmy is playing happily with the babysitter. I've got about 3 1/2 hours to do about 5 or 6 different things on my To-Do List. Let's see how long until Facebook, my newest obsession, takes me away and eats up my time, leaving me with still 5 or 6 different things on my To-Do List. *sets timer*

Dear David Cook

How can I possibly get on my life when you appear in HILARIOUS skits like this? You are such a natural!

Airplane Lands Off Runway in Honduras

I just got a call from my husband and he says that a TACA airplane landed off the runway. He is going there right now to investigate. That's really scary. So far, the only thing I can find online is this:

AP NewsAlert
9 minutes ago
TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras (AP) — Radio reports say a Grupo Taca airplane overruns runway in Honduras, some injured

I'm on Facebook...now I feel all weird...

I'm not sure why I just did what I did, but I added myself on Facebook. I thought it was enough that I had a blog, plus a myspace, but I had some friends that were on Facebook so I figured, what the heck. So I signed up. There was a feature in which it takes my googlemail address book and finds which ones have a facebook. And unbelievably there were 41 people who had facebook profiles just from my address book alone. And it was the people I least expected! Now, here's the weird part. Some are from work - again, people I'd never expect - but do I want the work people to be my friends on facebook or should I keep some of them seperate? It's enough that I see many of them on a daily basis, but to see their profiles too? There are some things I don't want them to know about me too... like my trampoline collection on the third floor.

Two Hour Nap!

This morning, I had every intent on doing about 5 or 6 things in my agenda. I'll get them done as soon the baby is asleep I thought to myself. What do I do as soon as he's asleep? Why, sleep alongside him of course! Forget my things-to-do list! Taking a two-hour next to your baby is one of the most amazing things in the world.

Such Idiots I Swear!

I was driving off after dropping off Miadora when I hear and see this ambulance trying to speed up behind me. He passes me and I'm seeing that the cars in front of him are just not slowing down! One car even tried to go in front of ambulance, speeding up in the process. It's times like that I wished I had gamma vision rays or large spikes that came out of my front bumpers.

First Night Without DC...

It's a Wednesday morning. Normally, I'd still be in the DC cloud, foggy and liking it. But last night, no David Cook concert in my living room! And you know what? I'm feeling fine! This must be the first step of withdrawal.

Yet, why am I here, reading blogs about DC? And youtubing him, and reading his lyrics (from his PreIdol songs, not that Time of My Life joke).

Birthday Dude

Today's my hubby's birthday and I can't believe it, I don't have a gift yet! Well, I ordered him something online but it didn't get here yet. In previous years, I've always thought of something creative, whether it's a trip somewhere, or a surprise dinner, or whatever. But this year, I'm out of ideas. I think Miadora and I will bake a cake for him and surprise him with that.

Got a call from a florist today asking for directions to the house so he can deliver flowers to him. I'm like, I didn't order flowers! No doubt it's from some of the people he's dealing with, but whatever.

Today is a fairly slow day. I have one week off from work, which is good. I can actually do some errands and get organized again. I still have a suitcase downstairs from my trip to California and I need to set aside some of the children's older clothes to make room for the new ones.

Nothing too exciting today. Our housekeeper asked me yesterday if I can help find a job for her neighbor. And seeing how there are several people looking for housekeepers right now, I told her I'd try. Today her neighbor came over and gave me her contact information and a photocopy of her ID. I know how hard it is to find and keep work here in Honduras so I'm going to do what I can to help. I'd like to think I'm a very nice person. I offered that she sit down and have something to drink but it seemed like she felt a little uncomfortable, like she didn't belong there, but I tried my best to make her feel at home. I know that she probably walked a great distance to go to my house so I'm not just going to brush her off.

As I'm writing this, the door is ringing. I bet it's the flowers that I DIDN'T order.

DC on Larry King Live, Monday

I watched Larry King Live again last night but damn you Larry, you didn't read my question! My question was:

"Hi David Cook. Congratulations! It couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy. Two part question - I, like the rest of your fans, am worried that your next album will not represent the same uniqueness that won the show. Will you have full creative control or are your hands pretty much tied? Second question - will Analog Heart be re-released?"

I thought my question was pretty good but I guess questions about who he's dating takes precedence.

Time of MY Life and Those Damn Rainbows

I surrendered to the awesomeness that is David Cook and I downloaded Time of my Life on iTunes, even though I was totally against it. I have to say... I'm not crazy about it. I don't know if I actually like it, but my body is fighting it because I've been against all AI coronation songs since its conception or I actually hate it cause I hate it. Well, maybe I don't hate it, but come on...rainbows? Magic rainbows? Where are the pink hearts, green clovers and orange stars? And I'm not sure about the way he sang it. It just didn't have the same DC edge to it. Now I wouldn't mind if he was in the studio and he sang it like that because HE wanted to sing it like that, but what if executives and producers were telling him to sing that way? That I would have a problem with. David sweetie, don't be owned by the machine! You're better than that!

DC: Life Has a Weird Way of Working Itself Out

Was talking on the phone with my mom again today. Of course after getting off the phone, I'm totally sad and depressed, like I always am after getting off the phone with her. So then I read an article on usatoday.com in which DC says, "Life has a funny way of working itself out," and as corny as this sounds, I actually felt a little better about everything. Hopefully everything will work out and my mom will be ok. One day.

DC's MySpace is Back Up!

I knew it. As soon as American Idol was over, he'd have his MySpace back up. It's pretty hot, yes. Yet, I can't help but to feel blah about the whole situation. I know it's not him updating his site anymore. It seems so impersonal. But still... there are pictures!

DC was on Larry King Live

The door was installed a few days ago and still there's dust everywhere! It's pretty much clean on the surface, like the floors and the furniture, but the dust still lingers in the air. Now another guy is here trying to plaster up the holes on the wall and the sides of the door. Just when things got a little bit cleaner, now this.

So David Cook (and the others) were on Larry King last night and true to form, I miss the first 15 minutes because I had no clue what time it was going to come on here in Honduras. I had never really seen him on TV speak that much before, so it was a true pleasure. He's amazing and I wish him all the success in the world, but the same time, I hope this experience won't change him. I hope his next album will be full of songs that he writes and arranges, not like Time of My Life...which I am extremely torn about. Should I download it or not? I want to because it's DC, but I don't want to because someone else wrote it and the words are so cheesy and reminiscent of all the past crappy coronation Idol songs. Please DC don't make an album full of crap like that. Do one like Analog Heart! That would so rock! I have the iTunes open now...should I download it or not????

Ok I buckled, I just bought Time of My Life. But I also bought The World I Know, so it balances out.

And why does everyone hate the Dream Big song? I actually like it a lot, much better than Time of My Life.

EEG Results OK

On the surface, that's good news, but if it's your mom who has been sick for the past 3 1/2 months, with no accurate diagnosis in sight, then it's not so good. I thought for sure it was a nerve issue because is complaining of cold legs, but I'm not sure an EEG will show any nerve damage. We're starting to run out of hope here. I don't know what else to do or how to feel.

Unusual Day Today

My game is on today. I was able to take a shower, get Miadora dressed, fed and ready for school, feed the baby, get myself ready to work, and get her to school in time and get myself to work at a fairly reasonable hour. Go me!

David Cook on Larry King Live Tonight!

David Cook, along with the nine other idols, will be on Larry King Live on CNN tonight at 9pm est. This is the first part of a two part series. The next part will show the following Monday.

Now I have to glue the channel on CNN to find out exactly what time it comes on. The TV schedule here is a little screwy. For the basic channels like ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX, we go by a Denver affiliate in the States, but sometimes it's not always Denver time because Honduras doesn't participate in the Daylight Savings Time (there was a rumor that some "important" politician was late for a meeting because of DST and subsequently banned it...yes it's a rumor but knowing how the rich rule this country, it won't surprise me if it's true). So I have no idea what time 9pm est is here.

I Forgot...

I totally forgot we're having dinner with some VIP tonight. I'm here working, and I haven't been able to spend that much time with the babies, and I have to go straight to dinner. Sometimes it gets really old. I'd much rather spend a nice quiet evening at home with the family. The guy only speaks Spanish so I'll probably do a lot of nodding, smiling, nodding, smiling, looking at my food, nodding at my food, smiling at food...thinking of DC. Ahh what a hottie. Where the hell did that come from? I told you David, get out of my head!

Seriously, anyone who knows me knows I don't have too respect for the well-to-do here. It's hard knowing that you have to be polite to them, yet you know that they aren't doing enough to help their fellow Hondurans. When I go back to the States, I want to work in the non-profit field and not work in the same field I'm working here.

My Lunch Break...

I spoke with my mom for the first time in two days, and I know thatshe's just not going to get better overnight, but for God's sake, Ijust hope and pray that maybe she's a tad bit better by the time Icall her. It's never been the case. Today she was just a wreck and Ican't believe that it's really my mother who I am talking to. She'snot there anymore... I wish I knew what is going on. I wish the damndoctors would do more to try to find out what is wrong. She's hurting. I'm hurting. Then when I get off the phone with her, I see myfamily and how happy my children are. They don't have a clue. Howcan I be happy when Timmy walks around so carefree, trying to show methings, then I think about my mom...how incredibly sick and depressedshe is. I just have too much empathy, too much to a fault. I want to be sick for my mom. I want to take that pain away. No one personshould go through that.