My Fun Trip To Stanford

My uncle came down from Arizona the night before to be there for the Stanford appointment. My mom, of course, didn't want to go. She was nervous and shaking before my uncle arrived and I'm telling her to calm down and relax.

So the day of, she was of course nervous, as were we. We had a lot riding on the Stanford thing. It was just a consultation with a neurologist, but we wanted her to stay there until they find out what the hell is wrong with her. But we knew that wasn't going to happen.

We take two vehicles, my dad, the kids and I are in his truck (with the broken AC mind you), and my stepdad, uncle and mom are in the other car. We follow each other almost 2 hours to Stanford until of course we lose each other. But it's ok because my dad has a general idea where it is. Miadora, sitting in the back, wakes up - and throws up all over herself...4 or 5 times. Crap. She's totally soaked. I wasn't familiar with the Palo Alto area but I tell my dad to keep driving until we find a clothing store. Lo and behold, we see Stanford Shopping Center! We drive there and keep driving until I find a store...which took a while. Then I see it - GAP KIDS! Yay! Now, don't get me wrong, I have never shopped at a GAP...you know, for the whole children slave labor/sweat shop thing, but I was desperate. I actually thought the clothes were really cute! I guess I'm allowed to let my social consciousness go to rest every now and then, especially when your daughter is waiting in a truck soaked in her own puke. I pick out two outfits, with shoes, because, yes, she did throw up on her shoes too. Thank goodness it was a watery puke, not a food puke. I go to the counter and I'm rushing big time. "Would you like to apply for a GAP credit card?" she asks. No, not now...

I get to the car and I clean her up and put on her new clothes. Very cute. Although they were made in Philippines, where I was born. Still, they were cute.

(pictured) Miadora's new GAP outfit, outside Stanford Medical Center.

Finally we go to the Stanford Medical Center and we catch up with my mom.

Sometimes Things Just Happen Like That

So I was at the 4th of July Celebration and chatting and mingling with some people. The topic of going to California on "vacation" came up and I mentioned that it wasn't all fun and games because I was actually there to visit my sick mom. And one lady said something that totally stuck with me, and for all it's worth, put things in perspective and made me feel slightly better. She said, "ah well, sometimes things just happen like that." Normally, people give me all kinds of sympathy and pretend to know what I am going through, but this was clear and precise. Yes, sometimes things to work out like that.

Back At It

I'm back to researching online for whatever this illness that has my mom under its grasp. When I was in California in April and May, it was like nonstop researching. Maybe it's this, then a test would confirm it's not. Possibly it's that, then another test would confirm it's not. Or her symptoms would change. So now, I'm looking at Peripheral Neuropathy...a problem with nerves. Cold intolerance was always her main problems. In the beginning she called them chills, because she felt cold she'd say. So the doctors focused on the word "chills" and tested the common sicknesses that cause chills. But perhaps it was cold intolerance that made her have the chills, as opposed to a sickness like dengue or malaria giving her the chills, which was what the doctors originally thought. So I'm doing more and more research, and some of the tests she needs to have done is the EMG (a test I thought she should have had MONTHS ago), nerve conduction test and a nerve biopsy. Knowing my mom, she is not going to want to take those tests, and frankly I don't blame her. What's the deal with the insurance company? It's been almost a month and a half since the Stanford study was supposed to be submitted to the insurance company and still my stepdad has heard nothing yet. We wouldn't have to go to Stanford if the damn medical community where we live was competant and cared enough to actually do more than what it expected of them.

Those Damn Cocktails

When I got home yesterday, I spoke with my mom for about an hour. She seemed ok, not well, but ok, during the conversation. What concerned me were her accounts of past events - the things she did, and the things she didn't do. I'm so worried about her and her safety, and even the safety of my sister. It's hard to explain and maybe I'd rather not, but I'm very worried.

After our conversation, I took a quick shower and went to a function with my husband. Normally, I HATE going to these functions, same people, same shit. But last night I was more talkative (even in Spanish!) and more outgoing! I know there's a psychological term for it. I guess I'm trying to compensate what is going on with my mom with my extroverted behavior.

Mom May Go To Stanford Hospital

After all these diagnostic tests, we not even close to anything resembling a diagnostic. I am completely saddened by this situation. Our only hope is to submit her to Stanford Hospital until they find out what is wrong with her. Obviously, what is going on with her is completely rare. I am hoping Stanford will find something that her doctors here have missed.

I'm still having a hard time dealing with my mom's condition...or lack of a condition I should say. To this day, I act like I'm fine, but I know I'm not. It seems like the more I get back into the swing of things here in Honduras, and the more I do things and enjoy my life, the sadder I get. I always think of my mom and I wonder why this is happening to her. Part of me feels it's not fair that she's in this horrible state, and I'm continuing to live my life. I feel a sense of guilt about it. I want her to enjoy life too, the way she did before she gets sick.

Right now, I'm sort of planning my trip back to the California in the summer, and my God I hate to admit this, but I would be fine if I didn't have to go. Before I couldn't wait until it was California vacation time! Now, I'm like thinking of things to come, and I worry. What if she's not ok before we visit? What if she's worse? I used to look forward to coming home to California, mainly because it was a chance to see my mom again, to talk with her, to laugh, to joke, to just BE with her. Now, I'm worried that it won't be like that at all. Like it will be like my last visit to California, maybe worse. That, like my last visit, I am powerless to help her.

I am just getting sick of people asking about my mom. I know it's not their fault and maybe they do care, but I just can't explain everything. So after a while, I just say, "yeah she's better," and I know it's a complete lie.

EEG Results OK

On the surface, that's good news, but if it's your mom who has been sick for the past 3 1/2 months, with no accurate diagnosis in sight, then it's not so good. I thought for sure it was a nerve issue because is complaining of cold legs, but I'm not sure an EEG will show any nerve damage. We're starting to run out of hope here. I don't know what else to do or how to feel.

My Lunch Break...

I spoke with my mom for the first time in two days, and I know thatshe's just not going to get better overnight, but for God's sake, Ijust hope and pray that maybe she's a tad bit better by the time Icall her. It's never been the case. Today she was just a wreck and Ican't believe that it's really my mother who I am talking to. She'snot there anymore... I wish I knew what is going on. I wish the damndoctors would do more to try to find out what is wrong. She's hurting. I'm hurting. Then when I get off the phone with her, I see myfamily and how happy my children are. They don't have a clue. Howcan I be happy when Timmy walks around so carefree, trying to show methings, then I think about my mom...how incredibly sick and depressedshe is. I just have too much empathy, too much to a fault. I want to be sick for my mom. I want to take that pain away. No one personshould go through that.

At Work Again....

I can't believe it's all over. I'm sooooo going to miss him. Check this out, last night I was even looking at information on the American Idol tour! They will be in San Jose in early July but don't plan on coming to California until late July or early August or so. So I looked up Houston. I can hop on a plane to Houston from Teguc and watch the show. Then I thought...what am I doing? I only want to see one guy, is that really worth it? Then I remembered that the one guy was David Cook, so maybe I'll think about it.

The last couple of days, I've kinda been going to work...catching up on emails and just bsing, but today is when I really have to work. And here I am still writing about DC. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Sometimes I hate being back at work. Everyone is asking me, "how is your mom?" and I really have no response. And I really don't want to talk about it sometimes.

Hmm, someone just asked me to write up something about an Emotional Intelligence Seminar. Wth is that? Maybe I need to take that class.

First Day at Work

Ok, it's my first day back at work and I supposed it's pretty uneventful - which is always good. It just feels weird. Before I really didn't want to do any duties that were outside my job description - that's the kind of dedicated worker I really am!!! - but today I was like, I can do this, let me do this, I can work on that, bla bla bla. There I go again, trying to divert my attention elsewhere. I think I need to think of other things right now. As hard as it is, it's hard for me to think of other things other than my mom...especially this week. She is getting an EEG done this Tuesday, and plus, this will be the first week that she has to spend time alone by herself, well until my stepdad gets home anyway. My sister arrives on Friday. I hope she is able to handle this at her age. This is a hard thing to undertake, but I don't want to tell that to my mom, even though she already knows.

Back in Honduras

I'm back in Honduras and I honestly don't know what to think or feel. Yes, I'm happy to have my family together again, but I'm still sad. It's as if something is missing in my life...and there is. My mom. I can't even begin to say how much I love her. She's the reason I went to California with the kids and spent one and half months there. Normally I love being back in California, but that trip was different. I watched, in one and a half months, how a person goes from vibrant/laughing/joking/silly/wonderful/MY EVERYTHING to a distant/depressed/sad person who seems to have lost her soul.

I feel like I have failed my mom. For more than three months now, she has been sick and to this day we still don't know what is wrong with her. What is it????!!!!! It's one of those feelings of worthlessness that makes me want to become a doctor so I can help her. It seems like the medical community has not done everything they could do for her. I thought that during my 1 1/2 stay in California, they would figure out what is wrong with her. But noooo, here I am, back in Honduras and still. Nothing.

I just got off the phone with her. And while I think she was a little more talkative, which is always good, she wasn't the same, and she hasn't been in 3 months. Some of the things she was saying weren't coherent. This is the most difficult thing for me to accept because she has been more than my mom, she has been my best friend.

Lighting a Candle

We went to the Carmel Mission to light a candle for my mom.

Carmel Mission

Miadora at the Carmel Mission.