Back in Honduras

I'm back in Honduras and I honestly don't know what to think or feel. Yes, I'm happy to have my family together again, but I'm still sad. It's as if something is missing in my life...and there is. My mom. I can't even begin to say how much I love her. She's the reason I went to California with the kids and spent one and half months there. Normally I love being back in California, but that trip was different. I watched, in one and a half months, how a person goes from vibrant/laughing/joking/silly/wonderful/MY EVERYTHING to a distant/depressed/sad person who seems to have lost her soul.

I feel like I have failed my mom. For more than three months now, she has been sick and to this day we still don't know what is wrong with her. What is it????!!!!! It's one of those feelings of worthlessness that makes me want to become a doctor so I can help her. It seems like the medical community has not done everything they could do for her. I thought that during my 1 1/2 stay in California, they would figure out what is wrong with her. But noooo, here I am, back in Honduras and still. Nothing.

I just got off the phone with her. And while I think she was a little more talkative, which is always good, she wasn't the same, and she hasn't been in 3 months. Some of the things she was saying weren't coherent. This is the most difficult thing for me to accept because she has been more than my mom, she has been my best friend.